..I remember it well..

Oh Lord, my heart is not haughty, nor my eyes lofty....

Neither do I concern myself with great matters, Nor with things too profound for me...

Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with his mother...

Like a weaned child is my soul within me. Psalms 131

Sometimes I'm a bad listener...public speaking, mostly.. unfortunately, this includes sermons at church occasionally. honestly, I enjoy it; I like the escape of getting lost in my own bible in the midst of everyone else. it's refreshing...this morning I couldn't tell you what Pastor Mike preached on, not a word...but I read through my bible; i read every passage that I've underlined or bracketed or made any sort of defining mark towards...and my heart melted with every word. God gave me a good memory; i feel like its abnormal sometimes, however occasionally brings me lots of joy. like today. with every pen-marked line that I read this morning, I remembered. I remembered everything. my heart was broken and mended over and over as God took me back to the miry clay He pulled me out of, the battle where He held my hand and told me not to be afraid, that He was fighting for me...He showed me the pit that I fell into and the desert that I cried out in...and it hurt. its hurts every time.

but God is not a God to leave a broken heart unmended.

...and that's when He reminded me of the still waters that He's led me to....every time...to the days that He pulled me up out of a bottomless pit and carried me. the days, months...probably both an understatement, where I became so pitiful and weak. but God became so strong.

I remembered it all today. a painful, painful journey of a past...

I've wondered a million times why I remember things so well...why I can't forget things; its like my mind refuses to block things out. days like today I feel so selfish for wanting that.

if I forget the desert, I'll never remember what the rain felt like.

Today I am more thankful for the desert. for the numbness and the hurt.

because nothing could ever compare to breathing in and feeling again.

The verse at the top always has the same affect on me...I read it once, and then read it over and over and find myself shaking my head and grinning. God doesn't make me handle His work.

I love that.

And this....this has been a gift to me. One that I, by no means, deserve...