lesson learned.....a reminder.

Tonight has been eventful...life is full of twists and turns; I say these things that I knew, but am now truly experiencing for myself....more times than not I put the past behind me...but due to conversation, I began to think about the things I have lived through....and after a not so thorough search, i landed upon a letter...a letter that I had written and never mailed...

.."and I remember looking up in the sky with all hope and fear that my baby, my one person that I loved more than life, would love me. I was terrified that you wouldn't, that you'd get tired of me. That's why I changed into the person that I became. Until that moment I had always pushed you to be more; I was never afraid to let you know if you messed up or if you were falling; I was never afraid to tell you what I thought. But ____, the possibility that you would push me away or walk away from me terrified me so badly that I could never even open my mouth...and I somewhat regret this because I realize that it was the time that you needed me to the most. I know you were so stressed all the time. You were working full time and trying to do your schoolwork online and trying to move along in your ministry, and you just so happened to be in love......I knew you were stressed....I wanted everyday to lay you down and take every worry away from you. I wanted to help you, to make you happy, happier than you'd ever been. I wanted to make you feel that way every day. But I couldn't and that hurt me. Which hurt you. Which, in turn, hurt us together..."

I've read the letter a million times...I don't know what made me keep it..I wrote it with a purpose. Maybe to try to just let bygons be bygons....just to cover the past up with a blanket and bury it. I honestly don't know. I do know, however, that this excerpt made me realize something....not only about me, but about relationships all over the world...we let people go.

Given, this letter was written to a man to whom I did not let go, but we honestly mutually let go....but i did let him walk to the edge...I learned how to be his lover and forgot how to be his friend. I forgot to be the most important person to him. At this point in my life, this man I refer to has a happy life, as do I....so this is not a cry to him. It's a representative of all people who wonder what goes wrong when it's so clear. We forget to be friends....the most important thing of all.

but I won't forget again.